I booked my tickets on the internet
Got discount fares from EasyJet
I changed my money into Euro
Now I’m off to Heathrow

There was an Upper Crust in the waiting room
So I bought a baguette and some Evian
When I got to Paris I had some PG tips
And a bag of fish & chips

I did the sights in under an hour
Went up and down the Eiffel tower
I even went to the Louvre for a bit
Saw some culture - got a postcard to prove it!

But my favourite part was the Hypermarket
Or rather the contents of my basket
No to Europe! We should be free to choose!
From a vast array of cheap booze

Who needs an empire, when you can hire
A villa and estates, with a group of your mates?
Get tanked up every night, lots of foreigners to fight
And a swimming pool or two, with an excellent view
Of an on-going local civil war
Who could ask for more?

It’s the biggest ever pub-crawl in the world!
No need for the union jack to be unfurled
We’ll trawl the lands we used to rule, getting ever more pissed
Oh, the life of an English tourist

I Went to Greece for some Island hopping
Stopping only to do some shopping
And a guided tour of "Plato’s Cave"
Now to Ibiza for a rave!

Travelled a thousand miles for foam and sea
And tunes from a compilation CD
But I was too busy shagging to really enjoy them
With a bird from Croyden

Next stop Indonesia
Where life seems so much easier
At least if you’re a holiday maker
Or a dictator

I bought a relative an ethnic present
Hand-made by an authentic peasant
For less than a pound how could I refuse
A pair of Nike shoes?

Who needs an empire, when you can buy a
Cheap vacation, in a third-world nation?
You can live like a king, you can have anything!
From the finest cuisine, to your own hareem
Full of young Philippino sex-slaves
It’s almost like the good old days!

But now you can feel smug about yourself
After all, you’re distributing wealth
Helping out the countries that are poorest
Oh, the life of an English tourist

You don’t need to know, the local lingo
They’ll speak your language everywhere you go
Whether you’re lost in the hills, or paying hotel bills
They’ll jump at the chance to practise their oral skills

In markets and bizzares, in restaurants and bars
You can laugh at their syntax and charming faux-pas
When you’re ordering jellyfish, or a dog-based dish
The only phrase you’ll need to know is: "I’m English"