Those first, furtive trips to the offy
The rites of passage of puberty
Swept along by peer group pressures
Hanging around all night outside Threshers

Hoping they don't notice your ID's a fake
And that your voice is about to break
Trying to get served, but always in vain
Wait ten minutes round the corner and then try again

Have you heard of this thing called alcohol?
It's something you've got to try
So thank God for older siblings and random passers-by
Because if you're lucky they might buy ya
A big bottle of cheap cider

Cheap Cider!
Drinking it is not advised
Cheap Cider!
If it's less than 8%
Cheap Cider! Cheap Cider! Cheap Cider! Cheap Cider!
It's time to externalise your stomach content

Off down the beach or in the park
Six to one bottle in the dark
Passing round a single damp cigg
Sucking on a mint after every swig

Retching, like you've never retched before
You end up writhing on the floor
But you're convinced as you pass out
That this is what maturity is all about

Somehow managing to stagger home
When the night is finally over
Casually chatting to your mum, trying to persuade her that you're sober
But she knows you're a liar
She smells the scent of cheap cider

Cheap Cider!
Drinking it is not advised
Cheap Cider!
If it's less than 8%
Cheap Cider! Cheap Cider! Cheap Cider! Cheap Cider!
It's time to externalise your stomach content

There's always one, pivotal evening of excess
When you almost drink yourself to death
And find your legs do not respond
Waking up naked in your neighbours pond

Hangovers, when you can't remember a thing
Except violent vomiting
Put you off cider for life, no doubt
Whereas I see it as sign of a good night out!

If you ask me what I'm drinking, on cider I will insist
I don't mind the mockery, I just wanna get pissed
Although I'm older and wiser
I still get wankered on cheap cider

Cheap Cider!
It's the stuff of anecdotes
Cheap Cider!
In no way is it uncouth
Cheap Cider! Cheap Cider!
It's the elixir of youth

White Lightning, Diamond White
Olde English, Country Oak
Ice Dragon, Omega
And Barnstormer